Soul Searching

Life is such a miraculous, mysterious, marvelous and scary thing. Day by day I find my life changing. Sometimes it seems like everything is going right then it all comes crashing down. Other times it seemed like the world was ending then something miraculous happens. This last summer has been full of amazing events that have changed my life and, looking back, this may have been the best summer of my life. Not because I went on some wonderful vacation or spent everyday laughing in the sun with good friends. No quite the opposite in fact, but this summer I have learned more about myself than ever before.

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask"
-Jim Morrison

Now I'm sure some of you are wondering why I'm putting that quote. It's not just because someone famous said it, or because The Doors are one of my favorite band (that may be how I found it but that's aside the point). I read this and it smashed my face with truth.

During this last school year someone close to me asked me "Who are you?" and the only response I could think of was "I don't know..." Then this person answered for me, and nothing came of it for a while, but I kept thinking about it "who are you?" A question that would haunt anyone who asked that of themselves. It started to really bug me "who are you?" Those three words repeated themselves in my mind daily. I started to realize that almost everything I did, I did for someone else. Even those things that made me happiest in the world, they started as trying to make someone else happy. I had put on a mask, at a very young age, to make other people happy. I had forgotten how to please me, how to make myself happy.

As I have said this summer has gone from amazing to horrible, and from horrible to wonderful at the drop of a hat. From the best times I could ask for with my best friend to saying good-bye to him as he left for Texas. From holding my girlfriend close to getting dumped then getting back together. From dealing with having little girls in house to missing them. From having absolutely no money for school or books or food to getting almost everything we need with one paycheck. From ecstasy to melancholy and back again.

A few weeks ago this person once again came to me and said "I don't know who you are and I can tell you don't know who you are either and it's upsetting you," or something to that affect and suggested I take a week to soul search. So I did, or at least tried. Having girls with us made it nearly impossible to seclude myself in my room for much more than a couple of hours. But it was a good week, or so. I kept a journal (which anyone who would like to is welcome to read) writing whatever I was feeling, glimpses into the past, feelings on things that were going on and whatever else just so happened to pop into my head. It really helped me to figure everything out and work though any emotions that may have popped up while I was searching.

I few days of soul searching turned out to be all I needed. I discovered some marvelous things about myself and found confidence in myself that I never had before. I also had a realization about what I was doing: searching. Searching for something is pointless if it hasn't been created. Who I am is still a work in progress. I still have time, might still have a chance, to be whatever the hell I want to be, to do whatever the hell I want to do. I am F-R-E-E. I had for so long confined myself in self doubt and fear. I can, and am, still becoming the person I want to be. No one can tell me "You can't" or "It's impossible." No I will do whatever I can and become the person I want to be.